I had a totally different blog written to release today. But it didn't feel real. It didn't feel authentic after that day I just had.
Today started like any normal day with a 5 month old....it started at 4am. After a quick feeding and a little more sleep, we seized the day!
But we didn't have any breakfast food at the house, so I headed to the grocery store. When I got home, I realized I forgot an important ingredient. Crap. Oh well, I still had enough food to throw something together worth eating.
All morning I planned to get to my emails, but that never happened. My daughter was fussier than normal and wasn't happy with any of her toys. But that's ok, you deal with it and keep going!
Then it was time to get ready for work. Why isn't the water getting hot for my shower?! Ok skip that, move on... The nanny shows up, help her get situated, try to finish cleaning myself up and be presentable for work.
"Where are my keyssssss?!" I'm sure even the neighbors heard me frantically searching for the indispensable pieces of metal that were keeping me from getting to work on time. But who cares about the neighbors.... In the fit of my search I look over and see my daughter watching me. I immediately feel that I've failed her by losing my cool.
I made it to the office. My work is awesome and challenging all at the same time. I love being there, doing the work with my clients, because it forces me to show up fully for them. I have to listen 100%, weed out all distractions, and pull upon all my experience and wisdom to serve them. It's so rewarding and so exhausting.
My last appointment was a new potential client. I'm all ears and focused in. I feel like I screwed up the conversation about working together and discussing money at the end. Sh*t!!!!!!!
I try to eat some food, send an email and head home. In all that rushing, I spill half the milk I pumped that day for my daughter. I feel like crying. That stuff is liquid gold....my daughter's food for tomorrow....and I just spilt it all over the floor.
I say RIP to the milk and head home. On my short drive I get 3 texts from my husband telling to get home ASAP because our daughter is "freaking out! 10 out of 10 screaming. She needs her mom!" Talk about guilt trip.
I walk into a shit storm. My husband is stressed, the nanny is anxious, and my daughter is crying. I throw all my stuff down and rush in to soothe her. After an hour, she's finally asleep.
Now to tend to the party my husband is having in the backyard with his friends...... :) I'm not joking.
This blog isn't meant to be a rant, but a depiction of my day.
Why did I write it? Not because I'm special. Not because I think I'm the only one who has shitty days.
I wrote it because we ALL have days like this.
Days like this happen. Shit happens. It's about what you do next.
It's 10pm on my shitty day. It's almost coming to an end. After this cathartic blog post, I'm starting to feel better. I can even feel my body releasing some of the tension.
Tomorrow's a new day. I know that. I have a choice of what I'll make of it.
For a split second I considered canceling my work day and staying home. Things that ran through my head: "my daughter needs me... this stress isn't good for any of us.... I'm not ready for this yet."
And then I recognized it.... resistance.
Resistance shows up at the edge of growth. Every time. It's so damn consistent.
The easy thing for me to do is stay home tomorrow. Take the day off to recoup. Chill out. The hard thing to do is go out and try again tomorrow. And that's exactly what I'll do.
The more I push myself, the better I get. I'll get better at being organized and getting ready for work. I'll get better at giving to my clients, and also giving back to myself. I'll get better at managing my time. And my daughter will get better at being with other caregivers.
What becomes possible when you meet your resistance with fierce persistence?
For me, it's having a career AND a happy family.
What would be possible for you?
PS- after all the commotion, I found this craft that the nanny had made with Daphne today. My heart was full knowing the joy she had today. And then, the day wasn't so bad after all :)